The honest auto-response

Dear Sir, we are delighted to inform you that our Auto Response service has been upgraded to superior human-like, honest, friendly responsiveness.

Dear Sir, this is an auto response. Please do not reply. Because you will get yet another auto response, unless, of course, you’re the sort who collects auto responses, like people collect magnets and stamps and annoying habits.

Dear Sir, thank you for your reply despite our friendly advice. This is still your friendly auto response. The intended recipient of your mail is on leave. After a week, you may deduce that he has been sacked/quit/returned but forgotten to turn his auto response off. As his faithful mail service, we will continue to blatantly lie that he is on leave.

Dear Sir, thank you for informing us that you are not a Sir. We will change your sex immediately. Is there anything else we can do for you?

Dear Sir, we are happy to inform you that you are now Female. Congratulations!

Dear Madam, we are not trying to be funny. Or rude. We are your friendly honest auto response. We have taken note that you are a Madam.

Dear Madam, once our server deleted the profanity in your mail, we could not understand the message any more. So your request for us to (Deleted) off cannot be complied with.

Dear Madam, we are not being patronising or flirtatious by calling you ‘dear madam’. We are your honest friendly auto response. We will personalise our message to whatever you sign off with.

Dear Deleted, this is an auto response that your mail — telling us to (Deleted) off — is much appreciated and of great value and will be attended to immediately. The recipient of your mail is very busy at work and will attend to your important mail in due course.

Dear Deleted, we have registered your complaint that the recipient of your mail is NOT busy at work at all, and that you see him posting selfies all over social media. We hope you had a pleasant experience and that we will be able to extend our excellent service to you soon again.

Dear Deleted Deleted, this is an auto response to inform you that most of the words in your reply were deleted by our server. However, to be true to our policy of exceptional customer service, we will (Deleted) off and (Deleted) transfer you to another (Deleted) more appropriate (Deleted) who may be able to communicate in your language.

Dear Deleted Deleted, to help serve you better, your account has been deleted.

Where Jane De Suza, author of Flyaway Boy, pokes her nose into our perfect lives.

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