Who stopped my evolution, Mr Darwin?

Darwin saw monkeys.

Darwin saw humans.

Darwin thought hard and worked even harder. Finally he declared โ€“ humans have evolved from monkeys. We donโ€™t know what monkeys think about the theory, but humans are not amused. Some monkeys evolved into humans, rest of them decided to stay monkeys only. May be they saw the outcome of evolution โ€“ kindness getting diluted with deceit, crime, war, hatred and what not.

Many of the humans evolved physically but failed to attain the human intelligence, they retained monkey habits and brains. No offence to monkeys, please.

I wonder if the evolution is still happening. Mr Darwin is not around to quell my doubts. I donโ€™t see something in between monkey and man, Giraffe with small or medium necks, or the present day humans developing some new character. They are actually losing all the character. No need to specify that the pun is intended.

We need to hasten the evolution process to adapt to the new challenges in life. We donโ€™t have billions of years to survive the calamities of today. Here is my list of changes that I want to see in me, and may be others will also agree. Evolution certainly cannot have copyrights.

O Darwin, give me self-grown HEPA filter in my nose. All those ugly hair with the bad habit of venturing out of nose are no longer effective. They were meant for the times when there was no need of inventing Air Quality Index. The pollution had quick evolution and has developed into a monster. Poor hair in the nose are overwhelmed and failed to even grow a self-cleaning mechanism. They are not evolved enough to handle the new threats of virus in the air. While aiming for HEPA filter in the nose, we might as well aim for the self-cleaning one. Better still, if it can have an alarm system for anything unwanted escaping it and entering the body. One beep-beep and the person knows it is time to contact doctor.

Let there be evolution in gut and make it produce oxygen instead of the obnoxious gases that it does now. That would make people applaud whenever someone breaks wind, instead of covering their noses and making even more obnoxious faces. If there are ten people in the group, at the slightest hint of bad air, all ten will ask โ€œWho dunnit?โ€ and all ten would say, โ€œNot me.โ€ After evolution, scene will be โ€“ person breaking wind will be doing it without any effort to hide it and rest of people shall thank him. Request form someone in the car will be โ€“ โ€œit has become so stuffy in here, can someone please break wind?โ€

Let the reproductive system be smart enough to analyse the human density in the country. High density and the system switches off after one or two offsprings. Low density, it remains active. And let it be the discretion and decision of the couple, whether the female wishes to bear the child or the male partner will do the needful. Let there be different organs for pleasure and reproduction. Say, letโ€™s have the organs of pleasure on hand, shake hands and you are happy. Wanna produce a child? Make some effort and go the whole hog. The problem of unplanned children, or children born out of heat of the moment without protection, will be solved. Burden of DNA labs will be reduced.

Time to have connectivity with brain โ€“ USB, Bluetooth or whatever. That will enable us to upload any knowledge to the brain. No need to go to school. In primary schools, they will upload the software for counting, alphabets and other syllabus. Child can stay home and play. No exams as all students will have perfect knowledge. Same for higher classes and professional degrees. Institutes can charge a fee as per the ranking. Software from IITs and IIMs will definitely cost more than other institutes. Government can provide free basic software to underprivileged. Illiteracy rate will be zero. There will be no dearth of human resources. Want to be a doctor? Or an engineer? Just buy the software, relax in bed and upload.

Task of employers shall be so easy. All they need to ask in interview is โ€“ โ€œWhat brand software you have?โ€

And one can switch profession also. One likely scenario -A Punjabi doctor approaches the software company. โ€œDelete my medical software and please upload the one for plumber.โ€

โ€œWhat?โ€ the vendor is slightly perplexed.

โ€œPlumbers are more in demand in Canada.โ€ Can be the reply.



Views expressed above are the author’s own.



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